Dear Healing Lady (Part 3)

*I'm not a therapist or psychologist, I hold no special title, but I do hold the understanding of one who has experienced abuse in many forms. I'm writing specifically to women because I'm a woman. I write mainly of emotional and mental abuse because its so subtle and hardly noticed. Just because you don't have a bruise doesn't mean its not abuse*

Dear Healing Lady,

I'm very glad to write this last letter to you. Although it might be painful to read I know it will be good for us both. I hope your doing well and that you are taking care of yourself. I'm doing pretty good myself today. Prayer has been my weapon this week and I'm holding on to my conversations with God. I have been enjoying the wonderful book of Ecclesiasticus. You wont find that in a conventional bible but I have the book. The wisdom in it amazes me every time I turn the page!

Anyway, I wanted to talk about our issues. The issues we have from being abused and because we all have flaws. Abuse can make a lot of nasty things surface in ourselves that we didn't even know were there. I have heard this about marriage too but I would say with abuse its a bit different. Yep, this letter is about us because healing is about us. We cannot change anybody but us and change begins with us. We know what happens when we think we can fix another person, it causes us more pain and disappointment. We cannot change an abuser. No matter how good we are, no matter how loving we are, no matter how submissive we are, and no matter how much we do everything that they say correctly. This is because their problem isn't us, its them. They have a problem with abusing not with you.

I'm going to try not to say anymore about them because their problem isn't ours and this letter is about what we can change and that is US! This statement was a profound gem to me, yet it should have been common sense. The freedom in that statement was also wonderful to me.

Okay, so back to our issues. When I began healing I started to wonder why I ended up in an abusive relationship. I started to wonder why I didn't "see the signs". Among numerous other self evaluating questions, I began to recap my life. I started to learn that I didn't have BOUNDARIES. Boundaries are huge!!! There are lots of great books on Boundaries. I didn't know how to say no, something in my brain had learned that "no" was mean or a sign that you weren't willing. I won't go into detail but if you look through my life as if it were pages in a book you'd see the messages I was sent from a young age. I'm not saying that I deserved to be abused. I'm trying to communicate that I had a part in it and that is enabling.

Their are many words that I never knew until I started my healing journey. Such words are: Enabler, co-dependency, boundaries. I hated reading these words at first because I thought these words were saying that my abuser was right about me. This thinking held me back from the truth. The truth was the abuser used my weaknesses to elevate himself not to help me overcome my weaknesses. My weaknesses were there and that was okay but it didn't make what the abuser did okay.

I would encourage you to look up these words and self evaluate. Sometimes it hurts but the pain only lasts for a time and your growth is worth it!

As we look back on our experiences with domestic violence lets find the blessings in what was meant to destroy us but didn't. Lets overcome the pain with the joy of the knowledge we now carry with us because without that knowledge we would still be in danger of other predators. Lets use our knowledge of abuse to walk along those hurting from abuse. I honestly can say that even when I have hard days and I'm angry about the abuse, in my mind I count it a joy to have been through it all. The reason I feel blessed to have experienced what I did is because my mind has been opened to a whole new world of deception. In my first letter I wrote that "A lot of people have no experience in dealing with the depth of deception involved with domestic violence, so they judge it wrongly". The blessing in this is we can see deception more clearly now. We have learned how to use our voice and to stand. But we have also learned how to deal with people who think they have your mind in their pocket. Lets use our gratitude of this trial to work through the forgiveness because holding onto the pain doesn't harm them at all, in fact it gives them power still and harms only us.

I have to give credit where credit is due. And I am thankful to Pastor Gino Jennings for speaking about abuse while many churches sit silent. I'm thankful he can pull out scriptures that talk about abuse, and people who want to destroy us. It shows me that God knows about this stuff and wants to teach us His ways, that we may know the workings of the enemy.

Thank you to all my readers and I truly hope this letter can encourage you!

*God was my refuge and still is where I turn, He was and is my comforter. Without Him I couldn't have come out so victorious! So I give all the Glory for my daily healing and strength to Him.*

Dear Wanting to Heal Woman {Part 2)

*I'm not a therapist or psychologist, I hold no special title, but I do hold the understanding of one who has experienced abuse in many forms. I'm writing specifically to women because I'm a woman. I write mainly of emotional and mental abuse because its so subtle and hardly noticed. Just because you don't have a bruise doesn't mean its not abuse*

Dear Wanting to Heal Woman, {Part Two},

Have you read Dear Abused Woman {Part One}? If not check it our here. My first letter was a basic overview of the cycle of domestic violence. The questioning of self, the breakdown of self esteem, the struggles within the mind, and finding safe people. In this letter I want to talk about healing. I know for me I thought that I was damaged, that my heart would turn cold, or that I would become numb. The effects of domestic violence are real and dig deep wounds but we can get better.

I remember one day just thinking to myself, I need to get healthy. I didn't know what that meant. I started to physically experience sickness in my body and had a full on attack in my mind. I knew if I continued down this path I would be destroyed mentally and suffer even worse physical aliments. I do not mean physical wounds from an abuser but abuse takes a toll on your health. You may be experiencing some of these symptoms now. They are fatigue, diarrhea, constipation, stomach upset, insomnia, anxiety. All of these symptoms if left unchecked, can begin to cause inflammation. And inflammation is the beginning of disease. And when your mind is so weak it can cause severe depression. My emotional and physical health become my motivation to break the cycle.

Healing for me began at a domestic violence shelter. Knowledge is power.The more you understand the abuse, the tactics, and the cycle you are able to build confidence. It will cause you to stand up for yourself and that triggers HEALING! My pastor said it best "You fight what you don't understand". Of course this statement pertains to numerous situations but for an abused woman, we fight because we don't understand whats happening. The problem with fighting without any knowledge is that it actually gives the abuser the upper hand. The abuser will use our "fighting" done in ignorance to point the finger back at us and say "see your stupid", "see you have anger issues", "see your the problem not me". This all causes self doubt and pushes us further into their control.

To recap my statement, HEALING from domestic violence, begins with gaining understanding of domestic violence, seeking support from safe people, and being consistent in those two areas. You do not want to seek support from anyone who guilt's you, blames you, or also communicates with the abuser. The reason for this is they can themselves be manipulated by the abuser and/or place you in a unsafe position. I would just like to add that there are special circumstances for everything but as a general guide stick with this. An abuse shelter or hotline is a great place for support because they are totally for you. They want to build you up emotional but they DO NOT make decisions for you. Abuse shelters understand that you need to learn to make decisions and they are a support for you to learn to trust yourself again. The advocates are also able to help you locate financial resources to support you and anyone else in your care. Some shelters also offer legal advice. I will add some links at the end of this letter.

As you begin to grow because of you new found support and growing self esteem your healing will continue to soar. You will still have hard days, you will be angry, and you will really need stable support for a long time. Emotions can come out more intensely after leaving the abusive situation. This happens because you had to suppress emotions to keep yourself safe from the abuse. When you have to stuff natural emotions you become numb. When you become awakened again or start healing, the numbness wears off, and you start to feel the emotions. I call them breakdowns because that's usually what they are. I also think of the verse "Be ye angry and sin not". Ephesians 4:26. I strive to live this out because its okay to be angry, but its not okay to act in our anger.

I hope this letter offered hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. A beginning and a fresh look at what is ahead and not behind.

I'll end with this, once you are in a state of HEALING it never stops. You will be HEALING for the rest of your life if you choose to be.

RESOURCES:
Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)
Website: Thehotline.org
Find A Domestic Violence Shelter Near You

*God was my refuge and still is where I turn, He was and is my comforter. Without Him I couldn't have come out so victorious! So I give all the Glory for my daily healing and strength to Him.*