Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Dear Abused Woman {Part 1}

*I'm not a therapist or psychologist, I hold no special title, but I do hold the understanding of one who has experienced abuse in many forms. I'm writing specifically to women because I'm a woman. I write mainly of emotional and mental abuse because its so subtle and hardly noticed. Just because you don't have a bruise doesn't mean its not abuse*

Dear Abused Woman {Part 1}

I'm sorry for the pain your enduring. If you already figured out your being abused your probably isolated, which means you haven't a friend. There are many reasons for this. Usually, its a slow process which the abuser is the real initiator. He tells you it was your fault you stopped talking to your mom or friend. You think "Well I was the one who told them I couldn't talk to them anymore" but It was hard to keep the relationship going, because every time you spent time with them or even chatted on the phone, your abuser went into a rage. The abuser blamed them on your so called "attitudes" and "disobedience". So,was it really your choice or were you bullied, manipulated into cutting the ties with your mom or friend. After awhile you can't tell anymore. Your becoming closed off to anybody who wants to come close. So you start to assume something is wrong with you. The abuser validates your isolation by saying, you did the right thing. But really, who was it the right thing for??

You jump between denial and reality. Some days the abuser is so nice, not a harsh word. You were even able to use the car with no repercussion. The abuser didn't complain once about dinner, and even asked if you wanted help cleaning up. You think "What did I do right today?" and "I must be exaggerating the bad days". It causes you to feel safe once more to connect with the abuser. To talk to them as if you were talking to your mom or friend you cut ties with. If this is a romantic relationship, you will feel safe to sleep with your abuser that day. Your glad that you were making it all up as you've been taught to think by the abuser.

The next day something feels different. The air you breathe even feels heavy. Your scared and your not sure why. Next thing you know everything that you shared from your heart to the abuser is blasted back at you in some way. Its all used against you. You feel dizzy, tongue tied, and wrong. You feel ashamed, stupid, dirty and wondering how you fell into this trap again. Reality sets in and the denial fades. You don't know want to do though, because all your friends are now sick of your back and forth with them. You don't even know who you are anymore or why you would act like that.  You spend all your time in the reality stage with non-stop thinking. Your brain feels like its going fifty miles and hour. Your constantly nervous and your body is starting to feel the weight of this. You think about leaving but then the fear sets in. What will he do to you? What will he tell people? If you have children or pets you feel even more concerned. Just having the thoughts of leaving cause continually anxiety, and you loathe to leave the state of reality. This is the cycle of Domestic violence.

 Its hard to let a world that shows little to no compassion know your battling this unfair fight. A lot of people have no experience in dealing with the depth of deception involved with domestic violence, so they judge it wrongly. If you have tried to get support to build your esteem back up which the abuser slowly tore apart, you were most likely laughed at, scoffed at, told to be a obedient wife no matter what, and the worst one of all, its probably your fault. Some people didn't believe you at all, which validated what the abuser said about you "Your Crazy". You sink deeper into confusion, your hands tremble and you lie down on the floor. The thoughts of suicide parade through your weakened mind, but you push them aside because you know that's how crazy people think. You wonder how can you ever get out this. Your strength is so small.

If anything or everything I said triggered you or gave you a tear, just know you haven't walked in those shoes alone. Many women including myself understand many of these situations described. I want to validate what your feeling. Know that you are not crazy. People who do not understand are not safe right now because they will deny the abuse. You need people who will build you up, validate what your experiencing, and not tear you down. They may have the best intentions, they may be a mentor, a psychologist, or they may say they are your friend, but if they don't validate you and/or deny what your saying they are not healthy for you to be around in the crucial period of healing.

You have the right to say no. Just because someone says your something, doesn't mean its true. Remember that you know what you have been through and learn again to trust your instincts. If it seems unsafe it probably is.

If you are still with your abuser, hold on. Don't give up. Reread this letter I write to you over and over. Whenever the abuser denies what your feeling or doesn't let you even speak. Read this letter. What we need most is to build back up our self esteem. To trust ourselves again. I would encourage you to find support at a local Domestic Violence shelter, you can go when you need the support and not go when you feel unsafe. When we are so broken down we need others to affirm us. To help us to learn how to trust ourselves again. To see things clearly. To create safety plans with us, to give us hope. Most importantly we need someone who we can be completely honest with.

If you have left already, read this when you get that text, the email, or that call where the abuser sets you back. When he attacks your new found strength. Continue to get support from safe places.

Healing is a process, it takes time. We can only control our own choices and decisions. We do have the ability to choose what how we will react. Healing is a time of recovery, a time of exploring the realities we try to run and hid from. Exploring our insecurities and vulnerabilities and strengthening ourselves to never allow the same abuse to happen again. Learning and growing.


Honest Motherhood

*This is a small look inside the realities of Domestic Violence. If you have a friend or know someone who is experiencing Domestic Violence, please share this letter with them. Also, educate yourself about the cycle of Domestic Violence and be patient.*

If you are in need of support I would encourage you to visit psychopathfree.com. I also have a Facebook page Honest Motherhood, please feel free to message me.

*God was my refuge and still is where I turn, He was and is my comforter. Without Him I couldn't have come out so victorious! So I give all the Glory for my daily
healing and strength to Him.*

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Honest Motherhood

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